How to Trim Your Hedge

Pubic hair is like wrapping paper. Originally, pubes were designed to keep you warm, prevent dirt from falling into your sensitive bits, and trap and share mate-attracting pheromone scents. Most importantly (in the cavepeople heyday of public nudity), pubes served as an organic neon sign – letting your potential mates know that hey! there's something tempting hidden under all of this. Like the big, shiny bow on our reproductive packages, our little curlies seduced others to unwrap and enjoy.

Now that Pebbles and Bam Bam are all grown up, we'd like to think that we've evolved into more sophisticated sexual beings but the ol' genital Yankee Swap hasn't changed much – just the wrapping paper has. Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons – a pile of naked women is starting to look like a bowl of Lucky Charms. My hippie-esque upbringing sways me to tell people to let the bush grow freely! But my modern girl side agrees that shape-happy sugar cereal sounds tastier than a mouthful of organic vegetation.

There's a balanced meal to be had. Our society's hairless double-standard is damaging, making women's pubic hair decisions seem more like a corporate advertising strategy than a personal choice, focused on producing the most appealing sexual commercial based on assumptions about your target audience. Women's magazines waste a lot of ink telling us “what men want” our pubes to look like. In reality, your self-confidence is your strongest advertisement. It's your land. Prune it the way you want it and the rose-sniffers will follow.

First, choose your shape. Creatively free-hand or get traditional with pre-named pube 'dos. The Natural follows the organic line of your public hair but trims back the outer bikini line to prevent renegade hairs from peeking out of a bathing suit. The Triangle whacks everything but a small, upside down triangle at the top which conveniently points to the clit. The Brazilian accommodates a skimpier bikini leaving a tiny rectangle on a bald backdrop while The Landing Strip is an identical, but wider design. And then there's The Hollywood. Perfect for those undie-less, mini-skirt wearing starlets who can't gracefully exit a limo, this style removes every hair in sight. To those who see pubic hair as a natural sign of post-pubescent, sexual maturity, this style might be re-named The Hollyweird.

Choose your weapon. Any place offering “body work” or “personal grooming” will professionally alter your bush. If you've chosen the scalding wax, pube ripping direction, leave it to the pros. Though the advertising always sounds easy, applying anything that smells like chemical death (ahem, Nair) to your sexy parts never ends well.

If you'd rather not have a stranger gluing your labia together in the name of pubescaping, there are many ways to tend to your secret garden at home. A combination of a small pair of scissors, shaving cream and your regular razor during a shower works just fine. Use the scissors (or an electric trimmer) to (carefully!) cut down longer excess into an even length then, after lathering well in a warm, skin-softening shower, shave into your desired shape. The Schick Quattro Trim Style, according to their cutesy commercial, easily dissolves a diverse array of bushes into all kinds of shapes with their dual trimmer and razor pubetensil.

If you like to ride the thin line between tacky and brilliant, you may want to invest in Jenna's Hot Trimmer. This porn star-endorsed box set includes a compact razor with two attachments for a long or short length and a variety of pubic hair design cut-outs for you to trace around. These questionably useful shapes include a spicy chilli pepper strangely suited for a particular chain restaurant waitress, a Harry Potter premier-worthy lightening bolt and a check mark for the organized folks who love nothing more than to cross off another task on the to-do list.

Of course, the ladies aren't the only ones doing a little bush control. Though the above also applies to the fellas, it's important to note that a little pubescaping has been known to make a certain tree look taller. Talk about great advertising – that's just magically delicious!

The Lies Porn Tells Us

Nobody likes a liar. This is probably why many people hate porn. Though rare, truthful porn does exist. As I've said before in popular past column Feminist Porn – there is good, positive porn to be had. You just have to know how to sift through the following bullshit to get to it. Behold seven lies porn tells us that not only skew our view of what sex is, but also damages our sexual self-esteem when we can't all perform like porn stars.

1. The only good penis is a big penis and delaying male orgasm is a snap. The manly member's performance depends on a complicated balance of physical fitness, energy and hormones. Male porn stars are practiced professionals – sometimes equipped with “fluffers” to physically assist in keeping things “up” off-stage and aided by stop-and-start filming and splicing. Size-wise, visual tricks like shaving ones pubes and camera angles can enlarge things. Realistically, penis sizes vary wildly and good sex is generally defined by technique and mental and physical stimulation, not by a number on a tape measure. Staying up all night, so to speak, takes time and practice – check out Richard and Dianna Daffner's Tantric Sex for Busy Couples for tips.

2. Women easily orgasm from penile penetration alone. I've said it before, and I'll say it again – only 35% of women can orgasm this way. The rest require clitoral stimulation, and lots of it; the average woman's babelicious bomb takes 15-40 minutes to explode. Don't rush us!

3. You don't need lube for anal sex. Just bend over and go! If this is truly what porn stars are doing then they're great actors, because this would NOT feel as good as they make it look. A-holes don't self-lubricate. They're delicate. They require lots of lube and (initially) slow-loving. Yes, anal-magicians like porn vet Belladonna can easily put some junk in her trunk, but even she, like many other porn stars, lube up off stage, off camera, pre-shoot. You should too. Sassy Sliquid Booty Formula is still my favorite.

4. All lesbians are high-femme and love pink dildos. There are lots of different kinds of lesbians that have lots of different kinds of sex. They don't always involve toys, penetration or anything resembling a penis. Sorry, guys.

5. Racial stereotypes are played out in the bedroom, especially in bi-racial sexual scenarios. We've all seen racist titles involving destructive stereotypes like wild, well-endowed black men, Latina hotel maids and Asian school girls. Though these are hard to even type about, there is, sadly, a big market for this fetishized bigotry. That doesn't mean you need to buy into it. One's ethnicity does not dictate the kinds of sex they enjoy or with whom they enjoy it. See past column Feminist Porn or Good Vibrations' well-screened selection of porn featuring people-of-color that doesn't subscribe to stereotypes.

6. Visually pleasing positions are also physically pleasing. Sure, getting steamy in the shower, while wearing stilettos, with your leg above your head may look hot on film but for the regular romper, putting one's leg anywhere above the belt certainly won't feel hot. You don't need to be a human pretzel to experiment with good-looking and good-feeling positions. Save your stiletto money, investing instead in Liberator Shapes that'll boost your bod while supporting you much better than a shower-rod.

7. People who have hot sex that's worth watching are built like Barbies and Kens, complete with no pubic hair. Pubic hair is real, people. Deal with it. Whether that means trimming, waxing or sprinkling Miracle Gro on it, the possibilities and your personal pube choices are endless. Just because Mr. Ron Jeremy may enjoy the prepubescent look, doesn't mean everyone does. And everyone does not. Similarly, not everyone has or wants body-altering surgery. The amount of silicone in XXX-land is a bummer. Curve-lovers will appreciate plus-sized porn star hotties like April Flores and those looking for more variety than Mattel has to offer can find a happy medium in pornos mentioned in, yes, past column Feminist Porn.

It just feels better to skip the“lair, lair” part and go straight to “pants on fire”. So, have the bailiff swear you in, because you're gettin' off on the truth!

The Break Up Break Down

I'm the breakupper who likes to disguise the demise of my relationship as something else. I like to call my breakups “breaks”, an “attempted open relationship” or blame it on an early “mid-mid-life crisis” and then feign shock when the relationship “organically” dissolves. (Good thing I give sex advice more than relationship advice, eh?).

As the breakuppee I'm better behaved, but not by much. I'm eternally, pathetically hopeful for a reconciliation and completely devote my energy to manipulating my ex into loving me (or at least having sex with me) again.

I'm a firm believer that it's just as hard to do the breaking up as it is to get broken up with. The breakupper, often (and sometimes rightfully) labeled the villian, is forced to quietly deal with the pain that comes from hurting and losing a person they care for while also generally sacrificing custody of mutual friends and weekly poker nights as punishment. As for the breakuppee, well – you just got dumped, poor thing.

Breakups are never the clean, delicious snap that occurs when a Kit Kat bar gives you a break. They're made out of an entirely different kind of candy – more like the slow, sticky pulling apart of taffy that you just can't get off your fingers because napkins just stick to the stuff. Avoid the icky relationship residue with a few helpful hints from my many taffy-like learning experiences.

1. Call the break-up what it is. “Renaming” just prolongs the inevitable, is not any less hurtful and wastes valuable healing time.

2. Social networking is the enemy. The second you get Xed out, X out your ex on Facebook, Twitter, blogs and your cell phone (assuming that your technologically fried brain has forgotten how to memorize phone numbers). A few definitive clicks, and you'll avoid a world of pain from wondering if a status update like “just shampooed my hair” means your ex-girlfriend now has clean locks or if, according to your heartbroken mind, it actually means that she just cleaned (and waxed) her pubic hair in preparation for a hot, hairless sex session with your best friend.

Similarly, don't write online updates about your breakup or ex. There's no better way to get “un-friended” than pity-posting and there's nothing more awkward than when a friend who you suspected always had the eyes for your ex “likes” your new shattered relationship status. Sure, the breakuppee may have some license to post new scantily clad profile pictures to show the breakupper what they're missing, but it stops there.

3. Don't sleep together after the breakup! Ok, maybe just once. No! It is the worst! Though you may think it's the worst because it gives you both a false sense of back togetherness, it's actually the worst because post breakup sex is usually better than the sex you were having when you were together. And that's just torturous.

4. Don't try to be “just friends”, especially when ending a long-term relationship. Everyone knows “let's be friends” actually means “stay close to me so I can grasp onto the last, slipping straws of our loving hey-day while practically peeing on you like a dog any time anyone remotely attractive interacts with you”. That's not friends. That's territorial and creepy. You will never be friends. You will always be exes. The best you can wish for is to be friendly exes which, when done right, can be better than “just friends” anyway.

5. Though a rebound menage-a-trois with Ben & Jerry is mind-numbingly appealing, there are healthier approaches to stress-relief, like yoga or boxing....or a real rebound. Sure, we all publicly dissuade our friends from making such a “damaging” choice but secretly, we all know it's the best medicine. However, a successful rebound must be a one-night stand (not a faux-relationship) and not with a friend or anyone remotely resembling your ex in looks or manner.

6. And finally, remember that just because you break up, doesn't mean you have to be broken down. (Though it never hurts to have a hot, sweaty mechanic take a look under the hood).

Riding the Crimson Wave

Great sex is peppered with a lot of punctuation – slow...seductive “dot, dot, dot”s, hyphens for sexual meldings like “girl-on-girl” or “penis-to-booty” and, hopefully, lots of exclamation points!!! But the punctuation mark many avoid in a steamy sex-sentence is the period. With a few mental readjustments and a little physical finagling, you'll find that sex during the ol' monthly is actually bloody good indeed.
The biggest hurdles to a great threesome with Aunt Flo are fear and shame. Though over half of our society bleeds monthly, our culture is terrified of a woman's period. From scented tampons, to the unbreakable codeword “feminine product” to the stupid blue goo poured on every pad in a period-related commercial (what am I, a Smurf?), we're taught to hide our natural menstruation. It's dirty, gross, unattractive and anti-sexy. This shame, when mixed with the already guilt-ridden world of sex, makes for a bitter Bloody Mary of fear for bleeding women and their sexual partners.

However, when put into perspective, a tiny little dot and the end of your monthly sentence isn't that scary. Sure, guys, I can understand your apprehension. I bet the idea of your little soldier bleeding can only conjure up traumatic images of painful battle wounds. Bleeding associated with pain is bad. But bleeding associated with a woman's natural cycle of shedding unused uterine lining is actually no big deal. Having sex on one's period isn't going to make your bedroom look like a scene from Scream. The average period produces just two tablespoons of blood. That's less than the amount of cream most people put in their morning coffee. If that isn't convincing, do the math: a period happens once a month and lasts about a week. That's a quarter of a year's worth of perfectly good sexy time wasted. In my two-woman bedroom, that's half a year. Enough said.

For most women, the first few period days produce the most blood and cramps. On these days, and during her period in general, don't expect to have your usual sex. Cramps and vaginal wall sensitivity can make internal penetration painful so don't forget about other types of sex – whether it be oral, clitoral stimulation or using a smaller dildo or vibrator for penetration. Not only are (her) orgasms known to relieve cramps but having an orgasm before penetration can relax previously tense muscles, making post-orgasmic penetration easier.

Period sex can feel like having sex with a new vagina which can be fun for both parties. Many women get juicier, vaginal walls can feel tighter, orgasms feel different and fluctuating hormones can make you just pain horny.

If you're feeling red and randy, there are steps to take to make mother nature less distracting. Set yourself up for a smooth transition by wearing a light pad that'll come off when the panties drop or taking your tampon out beforehand. If your flow is heavier keep your tampon in, tucking the string into the lower folds of your vagina to keep the path to your clitoris clear of pesky hurdles. Just make sure to take it out before any penetration!

Don't walk the red carpet on top of surfaces you care about. Change out the silk sheets and put down a towel. Though it's a little harder, you can still get pregnant on your period. Plus, if you've mistaken your bleeding for you period when it's actually ovulation, you'll be easier to fertilize. STIs, which are transmitted through bodily fluids, can also be transmitted through blood, making transmission easier during your period. Latex barriers make for safer sex and an easy clean-up. If you're squeemish, opt for black latex gloves, dental dams and condoms (try Durex Tuxedos) that are sexy and color-discreet.

If you're actually hemophobic, remember that sex (period or not) should never be something you feel forced into. No one wants someone passing out at the sight of blood in the middle of a ruby romp. But, if you're buying into the shame-game and think a menstruating woman is too “dirty” to have sex with, then you don't love the female body enough to be sexing it any time of the month. Period.

Dildo Does Not Take a Vacation

The many fans of past column “Dildo Takes a Vacation” (which, chronicled my short-lived quest to bring my dildo to South America) know that I'm no stranger to packing it in abroad. This past month, embarking on a shorter quest to Europe, the lady and I decided to travel a little lighter, sans dildo. Without a silicone friend in tow, we were simply forced to make our own European fun...with our own two hands...and maybe some other body parts. Here's what we learned from it:

Amsterdam's Red Light District is no place for a non-working lady. Never knew it, but Amsterdam's famous sex-worker district is easy to accidentally stumble upon. No signs. No warnings. Just blatant offers and (surprisingly beautiful) naked ladies behind glass doors. While my modest wife quickly pretended to be “lost” with her face hidden behind a map my first reaction was, of course, to smile and say hello. We both make a living slinging sex in some way, we're both women struggling in a man's world, right? Not really.

Turns out, being a non-working female in the Red Light is kind of complicated. The soliciting men found us to be overdressed, the working women were angry with the assumption that we wouldn't be purchasing much and then things just got plain awkward when a sex-worker coming out for her smoke break caught me striking my best “Red Light” pose in front of a mural of breast-baring babes. Stop goofing off and support sex workers by going on the Prostitute Information Centre walking tour that benefits sex-workers finding new work (pic-amsterdam.com).

Like a chain of kinky Cumberland Farms, most European cities seemed determined to make sex toy buying a friendly, 24-hour convenience. Though you'll still find lots of seedy junk, it's also refreshingly easy to find high-end sex toys in a clean and polished environment. Don't go too crazy on your sexy spree as U.S. Customs forbids any “obscene objects” from passing through. Re-read Dildo Takes a Vacation for ways to sneak in your new pair of vibrating Dutch clogs.

Forget beach bums! It's all about beach boobs! Like most American women, I've been forever told that my boobs should be bigger, perkier, constantly fondled and yet, contradictorily, kept under wraps to avoid “sluttiness”. Maybe this is why I was borderline creepily excited to see such a variation of bods and breasts out and about at every European beach. Everyone's twins were on vacation - eating beach picnics, swimming, even playing volleyball! Like Mrs. Perverson I was so happy to see so much breast-pride, I couldn't stop scanning the sand for areola though no one else seemed to notice – little kids, kindly grandmas, even the same teenage boys who cat-called me at the Vatican (of all places!) didn't look twice at this beachfront breast-fest.

Condoms are like candy! From pharmacies to libraries, condom vending machines were everywhere. I'm sure in the U.S. these genius machines would be rapidly condemned (“They encourage kids to not only have sex but equate sex with treats!?!”) and they'd be shut down quicker than Planned Parenthood. At least Europeans know that condom availability doesn't equal persuasion to have sex and that there are worse associations than linking safer-sex with sugary sweetness. Besides, those European trains can be awfully long and those Italian men rather charming so thank goodness these things are everywhere or we'd be in big trouble.

And finally, if you can't find a good lesbian bar, stalk some lesbians. It can be hard to find reliable information on where all the GLBT hotties go on Friday night. It can be difficult to muster up the bravery to ask a lesbian-looking stranger in a foreign language where a good lesbian dance club is. It's just so much easier to find a pair of good looking lesbians who are dressed for a night on the town, follow them for five blocks while “casually” ducking behind trees when they look back until they go into a packed, awesome nightclub. So I'm told, anyway.

Dildo may not have gone on vacation this time but I have a feeling he would've fit right in.

SWF Feminist Seeks Same

Hi, Yana! Thank you so much for writing this wonderful article [V-Spot, "Feminist Porn," May 5, 2011].

I am an educated heterosexual feminist woman in my mid-20s and am so sick of subjecting myself to the porn I find on the Internet, which constantly forces me to ignore the degrading and violently sexist footage I see to get off. At this point I feel somewhat scarred and would like to move in a more positive direction.

I decided to research "feminist porn" today and came across this article. How refreshing! I feel better already. Although I am a supporter of any BLGTQ representation in pornography and am psyched to see gender bending and queerness happening, I am straight and white, and what I am looking for are women who look like me who are not gender-benders but are just having fun, hot sex and for once are not being exploited for the pleasure of men.

Help! Where do I look?

***

Dear reader: I'm so happy to have you come across my column! Now let's make that a double entendre shall we?

For you, I've created a short list of hot porn starlets that are doin' it well and for themselves. You won't find these vixxxens drugged up, half-heartedly faking it on some guy's floor while a friend video tapes. And if they're being spanked or called dirty names it's because they've demanded it! Taking their porn careers to only the best directors and producers, films starring these lusty ladies will get your feminist off while also satisfying that sticky, voyeuristic sweet-tooth many of us porn-watching feminists can't satiate with internet crap alone. Better yet, because the high-quality, feminist porn world is thus-far a small one, you'll often find these hotties starring alongside... behind, on top of and underneath...each other. So, allow me to introduce...

Sasha Grey. My personal favorite, Grey's a dark-and-mysterious hellcat known for being in control of her ever-changing career. Often starring in gritty scenes in which she can exercise her filthy mouth, Grey appeals to those who like feeling a little dirty without being degraded. Get femi-nasty with her in films like Throat, Nurses and female director Tristan Taormino's Rough Sex.

The dangerously curvaceous April Flores is the queen of plus-sized porn stars and steals the show in titles like Voluptuous Biker Babes and Kiss Attack. Fully appreciate her as her husband Carlos Batts does, who generally directs Flores' films in a way that uniquely translates to your screen how hot he really thinks she is.

Adrianna Nicole is a cool mix of blond bombshell and just a regular girl, making her sex scenes refreshingly relateable. You'll find her having real orgasms and some impressive anal sex in many of Tristan Taormino's pornographic expert guides.

James Deen certainly isn't a lady but he's earned his spot on the femi-list. With a baby-face and more under his fly than the average girl can handle, Deen is like a real life Dirk Diggler – you can imagine that they picked this fresh-faced kid up in a dish room a la Boogie Nights only to find he was really born for porn. His lady-loving performances will show you that he truly loves his job and respects the women he does it with. Watch him talk about how much he loves to have sex with Adrianna Nicole before filming their chemistry-packed scene in Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Female Orgasms, and you'll see why he's a feminist favorite.

If obvious plastic surgery sets off your anti-feminist alarm, Jesse Jane may not be for you. This pornstar powerhouse has been the “It Girl” for some time, easily filling famous Jenna Jameson's stilettos. Though she fits the typical blonde barbie bill many feministers might be sick of, her engaging performances, spunk and theatricality set her apart from porn's barrage of bouncing babes. Her charming, over-the-top squeels and her cunning way of mixing a sense of humor with steamy sex really shine in Pirates 2, where she plays the damsel in dirty distress with other argh-worthy hotties Sasha Grey and Belladonna. Catch her in other compromising cliches like Cheerleaders, Homework and Scream.

Now go feminist yourself. You know you want to.

Get Eco-Friendly with These Hotties

Or at least look at them getting eco-friendly with each other...as you read my piece on "green" sex toys in this month's Curve Magazine (on stands now, of course).