Pride season is here! A bi-coastal girl, I'm most familiar with the GLBTQ (gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer) Pride festivals in San Francisco and in our quaint little town of Northampton, MA. San Francisco Pride is a massive affair of rainbows, ass-less chaps and (unfortunately) my only excuse to publicly don pasties. What I like about Northampton Pride is that it's basically like any other day in Northampton, with its high concentration of children and puppies from both straight and GLBTQ families roaming downtown. Except on Pride, we get Fried Dough. You can tell that Northampton Pride is a festival put on by the community that lives here. In a good way.
While San Francisco's and Northampton's Prides are very different, the comforting commonality is the Pride-centric meat-marketry – the smoldering-eyed sexual sizing up that occurs between you and everyone you shuffle past in the rainbow-clad crowd, no matter what Pride you're at. Sure, San Francisco's cruising is a little more aggressive and expertly executed but the attempts made by Northampton strangers to eat my (wildly attractive) wife with their eyes alone at this year's Pride remind me that this isn't just a block party – we're at Pride! The thing about San Francisco, however, is that their meat-market communication styles are a bit different, often powered by the wordless art of “bandanna code” or “flagging”, the practice of wearing a bandanna in the left or right back pocket of your pants in order to communicate the sexual act you're looking for and whether or not you prefer to be the Top/active partner or bottom/passive partner in said act.
It's debated if flagging originated in post-Gold Rush San Francisco or 1970's New York City but, either way, the code was invented by gay men to facilitate sexual communication and pick-ups in packed, noisy bars. When I first moved to San Francisco in 2008, bandanna flagging had come back around as the latest trend in GLBTQ subcultures, with bandanas either worn in pockets or around the neck cowboy-style. Recently, the extreme trendiness of flagging has fizzled but that doesn't mean I wasn't catching a lot of hanky-panky signals at this year's Northampton's Pride. The question is – does that Smithie L.U.G. (Lesbian-Until-Graduation) strutting around the Thornes parking lot think that her yellow bandanna is pretty and seasonally appropriate? Or does she really want me to pee on her?
Let's find out. First, get your directions down: Left pocket/knot on the left side of your neck means you're the Top/active/do-er in the sexual act you're flagging for while Right pocket/knot to the right means you're the bottom/passive/get-doner. For example, a grey bandanna indicates that you're into bondage. So, if you've got a grey bandanna in your left pocket, you'll be doing the tying up and if it's in your right pocket, you'll be getting roped.
Study that Pride rainbow of colors. Black equals heavy S&M, dark blue says “anal sex”, light blue is for oral sex while aforementioned yellow signals a taste for watersports (read urination fetish). Make sure to get your hues just right, or you may be surprised when the bandannas come off in the bedroom. While primary color red stands for fisting, a dark maroon means you like blood-play, a light pink stands for strap-on fun and fuschia, like a worn-out butt cheek, screams spanker (left) or spankee (right). White states an interest in safer-sex, fun-loving orange means you're down for whatever, whenever and gold means that you're two people looking for a threesome (left) or an eager third-wheel looking for a couple (right).
Then, there's the litany of creative prints which, at first glance may seem like a lucky thrift-store find but actually speak for specific sexual niches when flagged. A white hanky with multi-color dots means you're either hosting an orgy (left) or looking for an invite (right), preppy argyle means you're a geek or geek-seeker and houndstooth stands for biting.
Yes, bandanna code is a great way to tell a potential sexual partner what you want in the sack without that pesky communication I'm always recommending, but it's also a good way to get peed on when you least expect it. Something to think about for next year.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I Bet Lance Armstrong Makes a Great Cocktail
For past column "Ahoy, Mateys! A Captain's Guide to His Semen", I was searching for an answer to a reader's question about how to increase the volume of his ejaculate. While bulking him up with quite a load...of information, I stumbled across an interesting gem: turns out, Lance Armstrong cares about how your semen tastes. (Your fellating girlfriend or boyfriend probably does, too). Thanks to research linking diet to semen taste presented by AskMen.com and Armstrong's LiveStrong.com, I'm happy to report the perfect recipe for this summer's new cocktail. (And am suddenly inclined to urge ol' Lancey to an entirely different finish line).
What we put in our bodies dictates what comes out. Therefore, the smell and taste of our secretions (from sweat to semen) are controlled by our diet. The main complaint about semen is that it's bitter and salty. So, the first step is cutting out junk foods which pollute your body and therefore your stuff. Then, drink lots of water which will flush out your body's toxins (and hydrate your for a sweaty sheet session).
Really please your partner's penis palette by getting specific. For a light, summery taste, opt for fruits like kiwi, watermelon, celery and pineapple. Cater to a sweet-toothed sweetie by eating acidic fruits like cranberries and blueberries or fragrant extras like cinnamon, peppermint and lemon.
Avoid foul fellatio endings by staying away from red meat, beer, coffee, alcohol and other toxic substances. While vegetarians are rumored to have the tastiest stuff, use caution around the cabbage patch as veggies like broccoli and asparagus are rumored to have icky effects. Meat-eaters should turn to leaner options like chicken or turkey, though fish is contradictorily said to have both buttery and rotten results.
Like to book your blow-jobs in advance? Keep in mind that whatever you ingest is secreted within 12-24 hours, so no Big Mac binges the night before a hot date.
While this semen diet is effective, keep moderation in mind, as a watermelon-only diet won't get you far enough in the sack to even produce semen, let alone worry about how it tastes. Pills claiming to improve the taste of your happy meal are ineffective. Supplements like zinc or selenium, however, are said to increase volume and yumminess. Strong, funky-tasting spunk could indicate a sexually-transmitted infection. And that requires a visit to the doctor, as no amount of acidic fruits are going to help you with that one.
Those of you drinking the hot bartender's cocktails may be curious about what else is in his cumcoction. Though it may be easier (albeit less fun) to just make an omelet, you might get some extra oral sex energy from semen's protein content which, is roughly equivalent to that found in an egg white. Health nuts will be happy with semen's vitamin C, calcium, potassium and vitamin B12 levels while those watching their fellating figure may be relieved by cum's 5-25 calories per serving of swimmers. If your favorite bartender just can't seem to get his mixology right, moving him further back into your mouth before he pours will deposit his signature shot further back on your tongue, and therefore safely away from your taste buds.
Like drinking actual alcoholic cocktails, swallowing or even taking semen into your mouth has its drawbacks, as exposing a porous surface like the inside of your mouth to someone's sexual fluids can carry a risk of STI/STD transmission. It's always a legitimate choice to take the “semen-sober” route, directing his ejaculate to a towel or body surface instead. Using a flavored condom could be like drinking a Virgin Daiquiri – you can experiment with different tastes and he can finish in the warmth of your mouth while reducing your risk.
Cutting back on junk food, fatty meats and alcohol while upping your intake of fresh fruits and lean proteins won't only make your semen tastier, but are sure to make you look and feel tastier, too. Add some regular exercise (like a rigorous roll in the hay, perhaps?) and you'll be just like Lance! Except instead of being the champion of the Tour de France, you'll be dominating the Tour de Pants – and that's a race everyone wins. Cheers!
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What we put in our bodies dictates what comes out. Therefore, the smell and taste of our secretions (from sweat to semen) are controlled by our diet. The main complaint about semen is that it's bitter and salty. So, the first step is cutting out junk foods which pollute your body and therefore your stuff. Then, drink lots of water which will flush out your body's toxins (and hydrate your for a sweaty sheet session).
Really please your partner's penis palette by getting specific. For a light, summery taste, opt for fruits like kiwi, watermelon, celery and pineapple. Cater to a sweet-toothed sweetie by eating acidic fruits like cranberries and blueberries or fragrant extras like cinnamon, peppermint and lemon.
Avoid foul fellatio endings by staying away from red meat, beer, coffee, alcohol and other toxic substances. While vegetarians are rumored to have the tastiest stuff, use caution around the cabbage patch as veggies like broccoli and asparagus are rumored to have icky effects. Meat-eaters should turn to leaner options like chicken or turkey, though fish is contradictorily said to have both buttery and rotten results.
Like to book your blow-jobs in advance? Keep in mind that whatever you ingest is secreted within 12-24 hours, so no Big Mac binges the night before a hot date.
While this semen diet is effective, keep moderation in mind, as a watermelon-only diet won't get you far enough in the sack to even produce semen, let alone worry about how it tastes. Pills claiming to improve the taste of your happy meal are ineffective. Supplements like zinc or selenium, however, are said to increase volume and yumminess. Strong, funky-tasting spunk could indicate a sexually-transmitted infection. And that requires a visit to the doctor, as no amount of acidic fruits are going to help you with that one.
Those of you drinking the hot bartender's cocktails may be curious about what else is in his cumcoction. Though it may be easier (albeit less fun) to just make an omelet, you might get some extra oral sex energy from semen's protein content which, is roughly equivalent to that found in an egg white. Health nuts will be happy with semen's vitamin C, calcium, potassium and vitamin B12 levels while those watching their fellating figure may be relieved by cum's 5-25 calories per serving of swimmers. If your favorite bartender just can't seem to get his mixology right, moving him further back into your mouth before he pours will deposit his signature shot further back on your tongue, and therefore safely away from your taste buds.
Like drinking actual alcoholic cocktails, swallowing or even taking semen into your mouth has its drawbacks, as exposing a porous surface like the inside of your mouth to someone's sexual fluids can carry a risk of STI/STD transmission. It's always a legitimate choice to take the “semen-sober” route, directing his ejaculate to a towel or body surface instead. Using a flavored condom could be like drinking a Virgin Daiquiri – you can experiment with different tastes and he can finish in the warmth of your mouth while reducing your risk.
Cutting back on junk food, fatty meats and alcohol while upping your intake of fresh fruits and lean proteins won't only make your semen tastier, but are sure to make you look and feel tastier, too. Add some regular exercise (like a rigorous roll in the hay, perhaps?) and you'll be just like Lance! Except instead of being the champion of the Tour de France, you'll be dominating the Tour de Pants – and that's a race everyone wins. Cheers!
Tweet
Friday, May 6, 2011
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