How to Trim Your Hedge

Pubic hair is like wrapping paper. Originally, pubes were designed to keep you warm, prevent dirt from falling into your sensitive bits, and trap and share mate-attracting pheromone scents. Most importantly (in the cavepeople heyday of public nudity), pubes served as an organic neon sign – letting your potential mates know that hey! there's something tempting hidden under all of this. Like the big, shiny bow on our reproductive packages, our little curlies seduced others to unwrap and enjoy.

Now that Pebbles and Bam Bam are all grown up, we'd like to think that we've evolved into more sophisticated sexual beings but the ol' genital Yankee Swap hasn't changed much – just the wrapping paper has. Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons – a pile of naked women is starting to look like a bowl of Lucky Charms. My hippie-esque upbringing sways me to tell people to let the bush grow freely! But my modern girl side agrees that shape-happy sugar cereal sounds tastier than a mouthful of organic vegetation.

There's a balanced meal to be had. Our society's hairless double-standard is damaging, making women's pubic hair decisions seem more like a corporate advertising strategy than a personal choice, focused on producing the most appealing sexual commercial based on assumptions about your target audience. Women's magazines waste a lot of ink telling us “what men want” our pubes to look like. In reality, your self-confidence is your strongest advertisement. It's your land. Prune it the way you want it and the rose-sniffers will follow.

First, choose your shape. Creatively free-hand or get traditional with pre-named pube 'dos. The Natural follows the organic line of your public hair but trims back the outer bikini line to prevent renegade hairs from peeking out of a bathing suit. The Triangle whacks everything but a small, upside down triangle at the top which conveniently points to the clit. The Brazilian accommodates a skimpier bikini leaving a tiny rectangle on a bald backdrop while The Landing Strip is an identical, but wider design. And then there's The Hollywood. Perfect for those undie-less, mini-skirt wearing starlets who can't gracefully exit a limo, this style removes every hair in sight. To those who see pubic hair as a natural sign of post-pubescent, sexual maturity, this style might be re-named The Hollyweird.

Choose your weapon. Any place offering “body work” or “personal grooming” will professionally alter your bush. If you've chosen the scalding wax, pube ripping direction, leave it to the pros. Though the advertising always sounds easy, applying anything that smells like chemical death (ahem, Nair) to your sexy parts never ends well.

If you'd rather not have a stranger gluing your labia together in the name of pubescaping, there are many ways to tend to your secret garden at home. A combination of a small pair of scissors, shaving cream and your regular razor during a shower works just fine. Use the scissors (or an electric trimmer) to (carefully!) cut down longer excess into an even length then, after lathering well in a warm, skin-softening shower, shave into your desired shape. The Schick Quattro Trim Style, according to their cutesy commercial, easily dissolves a diverse array of bushes into all kinds of shapes with their dual trimmer and razor pubetensil.

If you like to ride the thin line between tacky and brilliant, you may want to invest in Jenna's Hot Trimmer. This porn star-endorsed box set includes a compact razor with two attachments for a long or short length and a variety of pubic hair design cut-outs for you to trace around. These questionably useful shapes include a spicy chilli pepper strangely suited for a particular chain restaurant waitress, a Harry Potter premier-worthy lightening bolt and a check mark for the organized folks who love nothing more than to cross off another task on the to-do list.

Of course, the ladies aren't the only ones doing a little bush control. Though the above also applies to the fellas, it's important to note that a little pubescaping has been known to make a certain tree look taller. Talk about great advertising – that's just magically delicious!

The Lies Porn Tells Us

Nobody likes a liar. This is probably why many people hate porn. Though rare, truthful porn does exist. As I've said before in popular past column Feminist Porn – there is good, positive porn to be had. You just have to know how to sift through the following bullshit to get to it. Behold seven lies porn tells us that not only skew our view of what sex is, but also damages our sexual self-esteem when we can't all perform like porn stars.

1. The only good penis is a big penis and delaying male orgasm is a snap. The manly member's performance depends on a complicated balance of physical fitness, energy and hormones. Male porn stars are practiced professionals – sometimes equipped with “fluffers” to physically assist in keeping things “up” off-stage and aided by stop-and-start filming and splicing. Size-wise, visual tricks like shaving ones pubes and camera angles can enlarge things. Realistically, penis sizes vary wildly and good sex is generally defined by technique and mental and physical stimulation, not by a number on a tape measure. Staying up all night, so to speak, takes time and practice – check out Richard and Dianna Daffner's Tantric Sex for Busy Couples for tips.

2. Women easily orgasm from penile penetration alone. I've said it before, and I'll say it again – only 35% of women can orgasm this way. The rest require clitoral stimulation, and lots of it; the average woman's babelicious bomb takes 15-40 minutes to explode. Don't rush us!

3. You don't need lube for anal sex. Just bend over and go! If this is truly what porn stars are doing then they're great actors, because this would NOT feel as good as they make it look. A-holes don't self-lubricate. They're delicate. They require lots of lube and (initially) slow-loving. Yes, anal-magicians like porn vet Belladonna can easily put some junk in her trunk, but even she, like many other porn stars, lube up off stage, off camera, pre-shoot. You should too. Sassy Sliquid Booty Formula is still my favorite.

4. All lesbians are high-femme and love pink dildos. There are lots of different kinds of lesbians that have lots of different kinds of sex. They don't always involve toys, penetration or anything resembling a penis. Sorry, guys.

5. Racial stereotypes are played out in the bedroom, especially in bi-racial sexual scenarios. We've all seen racist titles involving destructive stereotypes like wild, well-endowed black men, Latina hotel maids and Asian school girls. Though these are hard to even type about, there is, sadly, a big market for this fetishized bigotry. That doesn't mean you need to buy into it. One's ethnicity does not dictate the kinds of sex they enjoy or with whom they enjoy it. See past column Feminist Porn or Good Vibrations' well-screened selection of porn featuring people-of-color that doesn't subscribe to stereotypes.

6. Visually pleasing positions are also physically pleasing. Sure, getting steamy in the shower, while wearing stilettos, with your leg above your head may look hot on film but for the regular romper, putting one's leg anywhere above the belt certainly won't feel hot. You don't need to be a human pretzel to experiment with good-looking and good-feeling positions. Save your stiletto money, investing instead in Liberator Shapes that'll boost your bod while supporting you much better than a shower-rod.

7. People who have hot sex that's worth watching are built like Barbies and Kens, complete with no pubic hair. Pubic hair is real, people. Deal with it. Whether that means trimming, waxing or sprinkling Miracle Gro on it, the possibilities and your personal pube choices are endless. Just because Mr. Ron Jeremy may enjoy the prepubescent look, doesn't mean everyone does. And everyone does not. Similarly, not everyone has or wants body-altering surgery. The amount of silicone in XXX-land is a bummer. Curve-lovers will appreciate plus-sized porn star hotties like April Flores and those looking for more variety than Mattel has to offer can find a happy medium in pornos mentioned in, yes, past column Feminist Porn.

It just feels better to skip the“lair, lair” part and go straight to “pants on fire”. So, have the bailiff swear you in, because you're gettin' off on the truth!

The Break Up Break Down

I'm the breakupper who likes to disguise the demise of my relationship as something else. I like to call my breakups “breaks”, an “attempted open relationship” or blame it on an early “mid-mid-life crisis” and then feign shock when the relationship “organically” dissolves. (Good thing I give sex advice more than relationship advice, eh?).

As the breakuppee I'm better behaved, but not by much. I'm eternally, pathetically hopeful for a reconciliation and completely devote my energy to manipulating my ex into loving me (or at least having sex with me) again.

I'm a firm believer that it's just as hard to do the breaking up as it is to get broken up with. The breakupper, often (and sometimes rightfully) labeled the villian, is forced to quietly deal with the pain that comes from hurting and losing a person they care for while also generally sacrificing custody of mutual friends and weekly poker nights as punishment. As for the breakuppee, well – you just got dumped, poor thing.

Breakups are never the clean, delicious snap that occurs when a Kit Kat bar gives you a break. They're made out of an entirely different kind of candy – more like the slow, sticky pulling apart of taffy that you just can't get off your fingers because napkins just stick to the stuff. Avoid the icky relationship residue with a few helpful hints from my many taffy-like learning experiences.

1. Call the break-up what it is. “Renaming” just prolongs the inevitable, is not any less hurtful and wastes valuable healing time.

2. Social networking is the enemy. The second you get Xed out, X out your ex on Facebook, Twitter, blogs and your cell phone (assuming that your technologically fried brain has forgotten how to memorize phone numbers). A few definitive clicks, and you'll avoid a world of pain from wondering if a status update like “just shampooed my hair” means your ex-girlfriend now has clean locks or if, according to your heartbroken mind, it actually means that she just cleaned (and waxed) her pubic hair in preparation for a hot, hairless sex session with your best friend.

Similarly, don't write online updates about your breakup or ex. There's no better way to get “un-friended” than pity-posting and there's nothing more awkward than when a friend who you suspected always had the eyes for your ex “likes” your new shattered relationship status. Sure, the breakuppee may have some license to post new scantily clad profile pictures to show the breakupper what they're missing, but it stops there.

3. Don't sleep together after the breakup! Ok, maybe just once. No! It is the worst! Though you may think it's the worst because it gives you both a false sense of back togetherness, it's actually the worst because post breakup sex is usually better than the sex you were having when you were together. And that's just torturous.

4. Don't try to be “just friends”, especially when ending a long-term relationship. Everyone knows “let's be friends” actually means “stay close to me so I can grasp onto the last, slipping straws of our loving hey-day while practically peeing on you like a dog any time anyone remotely attractive interacts with you”. That's not friends. That's territorial and creepy. You will never be friends. You will always be exes. The best you can wish for is to be friendly exes which, when done right, can be better than “just friends” anyway.

5. Though a rebound menage-a-trois with Ben & Jerry is mind-numbingly appealing, there are healthier approaches to stress-relief, like yoga or boxing....or a real rebound. Sure, we all publicly dissuade our friends from making such a “damaging” choice but secretly, we all know it's the best medicine. However, a successful rebound must be a one-night stand (not a faux-relationship) and not with a friend or anyone remotely resembling your ex in looks or manner.

6. And finally, remember that just because you break up, doesn't mean you have to be broken down. (Though it never hurts to have a hot, sweaty mechanic take a look under the hood).