When my partner and I decided to travel about South America, we just couldn't imagine four months without a strap-on harness and dildo. Nor, upon finding out that good lube was hard to come by abroad, could we possibly live without Sliquid Sassy Booty Formula. Packing our lives into a backpack was hard enough, but finding a way to make a strap-on discreet for international customs was a whole other challenge. Whether it be for the sake of sexual variety, a little beach-side me-time or a blissed-out honeymoon, sometimes you've got to pack some extra heat. But we can't even get through airline security with a pair of knitting needles these days. If you think airborne scarf-making is a problem, try getting on board with the Rabbit vibrator. Here's how.
Choose wisely. While our realistic-looking Vixen dildo was our favorite phallus-of-the-year, we selected a less-realistic looking candy-colored variety instead, as a purple, squishy baton may create less confusion than the ego-threateningly large realistic toy we were...attached to. As the lube's bright pink label exclaiming “Booty Formula!” seemed a little too loud-and-proud, we re-packaged our slippery stuff in re-fillable travel bottles available at pharmacies while the harness was taken apart to resemble leather jewelry at best.
Like us, if possible, go for deconstructable and discreet toys (see previous column Dirty Little Secrets for incognito travel-sized treats). If you absolutely must bring the floggers, handcuffs, and ball-gags, know that you'll have to check your luggage, as these are, clearly, the perfect pilot-attacking weapons and simply won't fly (no matter how cute and fuzzy the cuffs).
In general, check toys instead of carrying on. If you must carry on, make sure lube is 3oz or less and pack everything in plastic bags. Always take batteries out of toys, as vibrating luggage is just asking for it. Get Martha Stuart with your checked items, honestly labeling everything and its purpose to clear up any confusion if your bag does get searched. Feeling extra cheeky? Add a flirtatious note for security.
Unless you like the pat-downs (meow), getting through security can be tough. Familiarize yourself with TSA regulations, as that innocent corkscrew could bring unwanted attention to toys that may have otherwise gone unnoticed. The best thing you can do, besides packing strategically, is knowing your rights and having confidence in yourself as a rightfully sexual traveler. Know that it's an inappropriate and potentially sue-able act of sexual harassment for an airline staffer to make a big, public deal about what's in your bag, whether it be condoms or the world's biggest butt plug. As long as it's not violating TSA regulations, there's no reason for it to be a problem. I mean, come on, they've invented a “necessary” XXX-ray full-body scanner that conveniently exposes everyone's naughty bits, and they want to make you feel perverted for packing a vibrator? Puh-leez.
If your goodies do get security's attention, answer questions matter-of-factly and honestly. If you're shameless about your sexcessories, security will be the ones to feel embarrassed for not knowing that, “Well, that's my Rabbit. People use it to masturbate, Sir.”.
Know your destination. San Francisco's security and Houston's security are very different places. If flying internationally, leave the plug-in Hitachi Magic Wand at home (it blows up foreign sockets), practice some explanatory second-language words and read up on laws regarding sexuality as no toy is worth legal trouble abroad.
So, what South American adventures did our dildo partake in? Well, not many. While Argentinean customs simply showed us the exit, notoriously invasive Chilean customs posed a different problem. Fellow travelers told stories of being fined hundreds of dollars for accidentally “smuggling” in tangerines. Tangerines. As in the adorable, delightfully sweet citrus fruit. Trying to pass by unnoticed as pierced-and-tattooed, short-haired foreigners was one thing in this religious, conservative destination, but trying to explain to the customs official in my broken Spanish that I preferred my phallus boxed instead of standardly attached was algo diferente. Left behind were the illegal almonds, the peanut butter, and our candy-colored dildo. And somewhere, under an Argentinean hostel bed it may still sit, waiting to be the star of another random travel story.
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