How to Trim Your Hedge

Pubic hair is like wrapping paper. Originally, pubes were designed to keep you warm, prevent dirt from falling into your sensitive bits, and trap and share mate-attracting pheromone scents. Most importantly (in the cavepeople heyday of public nudity), pubes served as an organic neon sign – letting your potential mates know that hey! there's something tempting hidden under all of this. Like the big, shiny bow on our reproductive packages, our little curlies seduced others to unwrap and enjoy.

Now that Pebbles and Bam Bam are all grown up, we'd like to think that we've evolved into more sophisticated sexual beings but the ol' genital Yankee Swap hasn't changed much – just the wrapping paper has. Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons – a pile of naked women is starting to look like a bowl of Lucky Charms. My hippie-esque upbringing sways me to tell people to let the bush grow freely! But my modern girl side agrees that shape-happy sugar cereal sounds tastier than a mouthful of organic vegetation.

There's a balanced meal to be had. Our society's hairless double-standard is damaging, making women's pubic hair decisions seem more like a corporate advertising strategy than a personal choice, focused on producing the most appealing sexual commercial based on assumptions about your target audience. Women's magazines waste a lot of ink telling us “what men want” our pubes to look like. In reality, your self-confidence is your strongest advertisement. It's your land. Prune it the way you want it and the rose-sniffers will follow.

First, choose your shape. Creatively free-hand or get traditional with pre-named pube 'dos. The Natural follows the organic line of your public hair but trims back the outer bikini line to prevent renegade hairs from peeking out of a bathing suit. The Triangle whacks everything but a small, upside down triangle at the top which conveniently points to the clit. The Brazilian accommodates a skimpier bikini leaving a tiny rectangle on a bald backdrop while The Landing Strip is an identical, but wider design. And then there's The Hollywood. Perfect for those undie-less, mini-skirt wearing starlets who can't gracefully exit a limo, this style removes every hair in sight. To those who see pubic hair as a natural sign of post-pubescent, sexual maturity, this style might be re-named The Hollyweird.

Choose your weapon. Any place offering “body work” or “personal grooming” will professionally alter your bush. If you've chosen the scalding wax, pube ripping direction, leave it to the pros. Though the advertising always sounds easy, applying anything that smells like chemical death (ahem, Nair) to your sexy parts never ends well.

If you'd rather not have a stranger gluing your labia together in the name of pubescaping, there are many ways to tend to your secret garden at home. A combination of a small pair of scissors, shaving cream and your regular razor during a shower works just fine. Use the scissors (or an electric trimmer) to (carefully!) cut down longer excess into an even length then, after lathering well in a warm, skin-softening shower, shave into your desired shape. The Schick Quattro Trim Style, according to their cutesy commercial, easily dissolves a diverse array of bushes into all kinds of shapes with their dual trimmer and razor pubetensil.

If you like to ride the thin line between tacky and brilliant, you may want to invest in Jenna's Hot Trimmer. This porn star-endorsed box set includes a compact razor with two attachments for a long or short length and a variety of pubic hair design cut-outs for you to trace around. These questionably useful shapes include a spicy chilli pepper strangely suited for a particular chain restaurant waitress, a Harry Potter premier-worthy lightening bolt and a check mark for the organized folks who love nothing more than to cross off another task on the to-do list.

Of course, the ladies aren't the only ones doing a little bush control. Though the above also applies to the fellas, it's important to note that a little pubescaping has been known to make a certain tree look taller. Talk about great advertising – that's just magically delicious!

The Lies Porn Tells Us

Nobody likes a liar. This is probably why many people hate porn. Though rare, truthful porn does exist. As I've said before in popular past column Feminist Porn – there is good, positive porn to be had. You just have to know how to sift through the following bullshit to get to it. Behold seven lies porn tells us that not only skew our view of what sex is, but also damages our sexual self-esteem when we can't all perform like porn stars.

1. The only good penis is a big penis and delaying male orgasm is a snap. The manly member's performance depends on a complicated balance of physical fitness, energy and hormones. Male porn stars are practiced professionals – sometimes equipped with “fluffers” to physically assist in keeping things “up” off-stage and aided by stop-and-start filming and splicing. Size-wise, visual tricks like shaving ones pubes and camera angles can enlarge things. Realistically, penis sizes vary wildly and good sex is generally defined by technique and mental and physical stimulation, not by a number on a tape measure. Staying up all night, so to speak, takes time and practice – check out Richard and Dianna Daffner's Tantric Sex for Busy Couples for tips.

2. Women easily orgasm from penile penetration alone. I've said it before, and I'll say it again – only 35% of women can orgasm this way. The rest require clitoral stimulation, and lots of it; the average woman's babelicious bomb takes 15-40 minutes to explode. Don't rush us!

3. You don't need lube for anal sex. Just bend over and go! If this is truly what porn stars are doing then they're great actors, because this would NOT feel as good as they make it look. A-holes don't self-lubricate. They're delicate. They require lots of lube and (initially) slow-loving. Yes, anal-magicians like porn vet Belladonna can easily put some junk in her trunk, but even she, like many other porn stars, lube up off stage, off camera, pre-shoot. You should too. Sassy Sliquid Booty Formula is still my favorite.

4. All lesbians are high-femme and love pink dildos. There are lots of different kinds of lesbians that have lots of different kinds of sex. They don't always involve toys, penetration or anything resembling a penis. Sorry, guys.

5. Racial stereotypes are played out in the bedroom, especially in bi-racial sexual scenarios. We've all seen racist titles involving destructive stereotypes like wild, well-endowed black men, Latina hotel maids and Asian school girls. Though these are hard to even type about, there is, sadly, a big market for this fetishized bigotry. That doesn't mean you need to buy into it. One's ethnicity does not dictate the kinds of sex they enjoy or with whom they enjoy it. See past column Feminist Porn or Good Vibrations' well-screened selection of porn featuring people-of-color that doesn't subscribe to stereotypes.

6. Visually pleasing positions are also physically pleasing. Sure, getting steamy in the shower, while wearing stilettos, with your leg above your head may look hot on film but for the regular romper, putting one's leg anywhere above the belt certainly won't feel hot. You don't need to be a human pretzel to experiment with good-looking and good-feeling positions. Save your stiletto money, investing instead in Liberator Shapes that'll boost your bod while supporting you much better than a shower-rod.

7. People who have hot sex that's worth watching are built like Barbies and Kens, complete with no pubic hair. Pubic hair is real, people. Deal with it. Whether that means trimming, waxing or sprinkling Miracle Gro on it, the possibilities and your personal pube choices are endless. Just because Mr. Ron Jeremy may enjoy the prepubescent look, doesn't mean everyone does. And everyone does not. Similarly, not everyone has or wants body-altering surgery. The amount of silicone in XXX-land is a bummer. Curve-lovers will appreciate plus-sized porn star hotties like April Flores and those looking for more variety than Mattel has to offer can find a happy medium in pornos mentioned in, yes, past column Feminist Porn.

It just feels better to skip the“lair, lair” part and go straight to “pants on fire”. So, have the bailiff swear you in, because you're gettin' off on the truth!

The Break Up Break Down

I'm the breakupper who likes to disguise the demise of my relationship as something else. I like to call my breakups “breaks”, an “attempted open relationship” or blame it on an early “mid-mid-life crisis” and then feign shock when the relationship “organically” dissolves. (Good thing I give sex advice more than relationship advice, eh?).

As the breakuppee I'm better behaved, but not by much. I'm eternally, pathetically hopeful for a reconciliation and completely devote my energy to manipulating my ex into loving me (or at least having sex with me) again.

I'm a firm believer that it's just as hard to do the breaking up as it is to get broken up with. The breakupper, often (and sometimes rightfully) labeled the villian, is forced to quietly deal with the pain that comes from hurting and losing a person they care for while also generally sacrificing custody of mutual friends and weekly poker nights as punishment. As for the breakuppee, well – you just got dumped, poor thing.

Breakups are never the clean, delicious snap that occurs when a Kit Kat bar gives you a break. They're made out of an entirely different kind of candy – more like the slow, sticky pulling apart of taffy that you just can't get off your fingers because napkins just stick to the stuff. Avoid the icky relationship residue with a few helpful hints from my many taffy-like learning experiences.

1. Call the break-up what it is. “Renaming” just prolongs the inevitable, is not any less hurtful and wastes valuable healing time.

2. Social networking is the enemy. The second you get Xed out, X out your ex on Facebook, Twitter, blogs and your cell phone (assuming that your technologically fried brain has forgotten how to memorize phone numbers). A few definitive clicks, and you'll avoid a world of pain from wondering if a status update like “just shampooed my hair” means your ex-girlfriend now has clean locks or if, according to your heartbroken mind, it actually means that she just cleaned (and waxed) her pubic hair in preparation for a hot, hairless sex session with your best friend.

Similarly, don't write online updates about your breakup or ex. There's no better way to get “un-friended” than pity-posting and there's nothing more awkward than when a friend who you suspected always had the eyes for your ex “likes” your new shattered relationship status. Sure, the breakuppee may have some license to post new scantily clad profile pictures to show the breakupper what they're missing, but it stops there.

3. Don't sleep together after the breakup! Ok, maybe just once. No! It is the worst! Though you may think it's the worst because it gives you both a false sense of back togetherness, it's actually the worst because post breakup sex is usually better than the sex you were having when you were together. And that's just torturous.

4. Don't try to be “just friends”, especially when ending a long-term relationship. Everyone knows “let's be friends” actually means “stay close to me so I can grasp onto the last, slipping straws of our loving hey-day while practically peeing on you like a dog any time anyone remotely attractive interacts with you”. That's not friends. That's territorial and creepy. You will never be friends. You will always be exes. The best you can wish for is to be friendly exes which, when done right, can be better than “just friends” anyway.

5. Though a rebound menage-a-trois with Ben & Jerry is mind-numbingly appealing, there are healthier approaches to stress-relief, like yoga or boxing....or a real rebound. Sure, we all publicly dissuade our friends from making such a “damaging” choice but secretly, we all know it's the best medicine. However, a successful rebound must be a one-night stand (not a faux-relationship) and not with a friend or anyone remotely resembling your ex in looks or manner.

6. And finally, remember that just because you break up, doesn't mean you have to be broken down. (Though it never hurts to have a hot, sweaty mechanic take a look under the hood).

Riding the Crimson Wave

Great sex is peppered with a lot of punctuation – slow...seductive “dot, dot, dot”s, hyphens for sexual meldings like “girl-on-girl” or “penis-to-booty” and, hopefully, lots of exclamation points!!! But the punctuation mark many avoid in a steamy sex-sentence is the period. With a few mental readjustments and a little physical finagling, you'll find that sex during the ol' monthly is actually bloody good indeed.
The biggest hurdles to a great threesome with Aunt Flo are fear and shame. Though over half of our society bleeds monthly, our culture is terrified of a woman's period. From scented tampons, to the unbreakable codeword “feminine product” to the stupid blue goo poured on every pad in a period-related commercial (what am I, a Smurf?), we're taught to hide our natural menstruation. It's dirty, gross, unattractive and anti-sexy. This shame, when mixed with the already guilt-ridden world of sex, makes for a bitter Bloody Mary of fear for bleeding women and their sexual partners.

However, when put into perspective, a tiny little dot and the end of your monthly sentence isn't that scary. Sure, guys, I can understand your apprehension. I bet the idea of your little soldier bleeding can only conjure up traumatic images of painful battle wounds. Bleeding associated with pain is bad. But bleeding associated with a woman's natural cycle of shedding unused uterine lining is actually no big deal. Having sex on one's period isn't going to make your bedroom look like a scene from Scream. The average period produces just two tablespoons of blood. That's less than the amount of cream most people put in their morning coffee. If that isn't convincing, do the math: a period happens once a month and lasts about a week. That's a quarter of a year's worth of perfectly good sexy time wasted. In my two-woman bedroom, that's half a year. Enough said.

For most women, the first few period days produce the most blood and cramps. On these days, and during her period in general, don't expect to have your usual sex. Cramps and vaginal wall sensitivity can make internal penetration painful so don't forget about other types of sex – whether it be oral, clitoral stimulation or using a smaller dildo or vibrator for penetration. Not only are (her) orgasms known to relieve cramps but having an orgasm before penetration can relax previously tense muscles, making post-orgasmic penetration easier.

Period sex can feel like having sex with a new vagina which can be fun for both parties. Many women get juicier, vaginal walls can feel tighter, orgasms feel different and fluctuating hormones can make you just pain horny.

If you're feeling red and randy, there are steps to take to make mother nature less distracting. Set yourself up for a smooth transition by wearing a light pad that'll come off when the panties drop or taking your tampon out beforehand. If your flow is heavier keep your tampon in, tucking the string into the lower folds of your vagina to keep the path to your clitoris clear of pesky hurdles. Just make sure to take it out before any penetration!

Don't walk the red carpet on top of surfaces you care about. Change out the silk sheets and put down a towel. Though it's a little harder, you can still get pregnant on your period. Plus, if you've mistaken your bleeding for you period when it's actually ovulation, you'll be easier to fertilize. STIs, which are transmitted through bodily fluids, can also be transmitted through blood, making transmission easier during your period. Latex barriers make for safer sex and an easy clean-up. If you're squeemish, opt for black latex gloves, dental dams and condoms (try Durex Tuxedos) that are sexy and color-discreet.

If you're actually hemophobic, remember that sex (period or not) should never be something you feel forced into. No one wants someone passing out at the sight of blood in the middle of a ruby romp. But, if you're buying into the shame-game and think a menstruating woman is too “dirty” to have sex with, then you don't love the female body enough to be sexing it any time of the month. Period.

Dildo Does Not Take a Vacation

The many fans of past column “Dildo Takes a Vacation” (which, chronicled my short-lived quest to bring my dildo to South America) know that I'm no stranger to packing it in abroad. This past month, embarking on a shorter quest to Europe, the lady and I decided to travel a little lighter, sans dildo. Without a silicone friend in tow, we were simply forced to make our own European fun...with our own two hands...and maybe some other body parts. Here's what we learned from it:

Amsterdam's Red Light District is no place for a non-working lady. Never knew it, but Amsterdam's famous sex-worker district is easy to accidentally stumble upon. No signs. No warnings. Just blatant offers and (surprisingly beautiful) naked ladies behind glass doors. While my modest wife quickly pretended to be “lost” with her face hidden behind a map my first reaction was, of course, to smile and say hello. We both make a living slinging sex in some way, we're both women struggling in a man's world, right? Not really.

Turns out, being a non-working female in the Red Light is kind of complicated. The soliciting men found us to be overdressed, the working women were angry with the assumption that we wouldn't be purchasing much and then things just got plain awkward when a sex-worker coming out for her smoke break caught me striking my best “Red Light” pose in front of a mural of breast-baring babes. Stop goofing off and support sex workers by going on the Prostitute Information Centre walking tour that benefits sex-workers finding new work (pic-amsterdam.com).

Like a chain of kinky Cumberland Farms, most European cities seemed determined to make sex toy buying a friendly, 24-hour convenience. Though you'll still find lots of seedy junk, it's also refreshingly easy to find high-end sex toys in a clean and polished environment. Don't go too crazy on your sexy spree as U.S. Customs forbids any “obscene objects” from passing through. Re-read Dildo Takes a Vacation for ways to sneak in your new pair of vibrating Dutch clogs.

Forget beach bums! It's all about beach boobs! Like most American women, I've been forever told that my boobs should be bigger, perkier, constantly fondled and yet, contradictorily, kept under wraps to avoid “sluttiness”. Maybe this is why I was borderline creepily excited to see such a variation of bods and breasts out and about at every European beach. Everyone's twins were on vacation - eating beach picnics, swimming, even playing volleyball! Like Mrs. Perverson I was so happy to see so much breast-pride, I couldn't stop scanning the sand for areola though no one else seemed to notice – little kids, kindly grandmas, even the same teenage boys who cat-called me at the Vatican (of all places!) didn't look twice at this beachfront breast-fest.

Condoms are like candy! From pharmacies to libraries, condom vending machines were everywhere. I'm sure in the U.S. these genius machines would be rapidly condemned (“They encourage kids to not only have sex but equate sex with treats!?!”) and they'd be shut down quicker than Planned Parenthood. At least Europeans know that condom availability doesn't equal persuasion to have sex and that there are worse associations than linking safer-sex with sugary sweetness. Besides, those European trains can be awfully long and those Italian men rather charming so thank goodness these things are everywhere or we'd be in big trouble.

And finally, if you can't find a good lesbian bar, stalk some lesbians. It can be hard to find reliable information on where all the GLBT hotties go on Friday night. It can be difficult to muster up the bravery to ask a lesbian-looking stranger in a foreign language where a good lesbian dance club is. It's just so much easier to find a pair of good looking lesbians who are dressed for a night on the town, follow them for five blocks while “casually” ducking behind trees when they look back until they go into a packed, awesome nightclub. So I'm told, anyway.

Dildo may not have gone on vacation this time but I have a feeling he would've fit right in.

SWF Feminist Seeks Same

Hi, Yana! Thank you so much for writing this wonderful article [V-Spot, "Feminist Porn," May 5, 2011].

I am an educated heterosexual feminist woman in my mid-20s and am so sick of subjecting myself to the porn I find on the Internet, which constantly forces me to ignore the degrading and violently sexist footage I see to get off. At this point I feel somewhat scarred and would like to move in a more positive direction.

I decided to research "feminist porn" today and came across this article. How refreshing! I feel better already. Although I am a supporter of any BLGTQ representation in pornography and am psyched to see gender bending and queerness happening, I am straight and white, and what I am looking for are women who look like me who are not gender-benders but are just having fun, hot sex and for once are not being exploited for the pleasure of men.

Help! Where do I look?

***

Dear reader: I'm so happy to have you come across my column! Now let's make that a double entendre shall we?

For you, I've created a short list of hot porn starlets that are doin' it well and for themselves. You won't find these vixxxens drugged up, half-heartedly faking it on some guy's floor while a friend video tapes. And if they're being spanked or called dirty names it's because they've demanded it! Taking their porn careers to only the best directors and producers, films starring these lusty ladies will get your feminist off while also satisfying that sticky, voyeuristic sweet-tooth many of us porn-watching feminists can't satiate with internet crap alone. Better yet, because the high-quality, feminist porn world is thus-far a small one, you'll often find these hotties starring alongside... behind, on top of and underneath...each other. So, allow me to introduce...

Sasha Grey. My personal favorite, Grey's a dark-and-mysterious hellcat known for being in control of her ever-changing career. Often starring in gritty scenes in which she can exercise her filthy mouth, Grey appeals to those who like feeling a little dirty without being degraded. Get femi-nasty with her in films like Throat, Nurses and female director Tristan Taormino's Rough Sex.

The dangerously curvaceous April Flores is the queen of plus-sized porn stars and steals the show in titles like Voluptuous Biker Babes and Kiss Attack. Fully appreciate her as her husband Carlos Batts does, who generally directs Flores' films in a way that uniquely translates to your screen how hot he really thinks she is.

Adrianna Nicole is a cool mix of blond bombshell and just a regular girl, making her sex scenes refreshingly relateable. You'll find her having real orgasms and some impressive anal sex in many of Tristan Taormino's pornographic expert guides.

James Deen certainly isn't a lady but he's earned his spot on the femi-list. With a baby-face and more under his fly than the average girl can handle, Deen is like a real life Dirk Diggler – you can imagine that they picked this fresh-faced kid up in a dish room a la Boogie Nights only to find he was really born for porn. His lady-loving performances will show you that he truly loves his job and respects the women he does it with. Watch him talk about how much he loves to have sex with Adrianna Nicole before filming their chemistry-packed scene in Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Female Orgasms, and you'll see why he's a feminist favorite.

If obvious plastic surgery sets off your anti-feminist alarm, Jesse Jane may not be for you. This pornstar powerhouse has been the “It Girl” for some time, easily filling famous Jenna Jameson's stilettos. Though she fits the typical blonde barbie bill many feministers might be sick of, her engaging performances, spunk and theatricality set her apart from porn's barrage of bouncing babes. Her charming, over-the-top squeels and her cunning way of mixing a sense of humor with steamy sex really shine in Pirates 2, where she plays the damsel in dirty distress with other argh-worthy hotties Sasha Grey and Belladonna. Catch her in other compromising cliches like Cheerleaders, Homework and Scream.

Now go feminist yourself. You know you want to.

Get Eco-Friendly with These Hotties

Or at least look at them getting eco-friendly with each other...as you read my piece on "green" sex toys in this month's Curve Magazine (on stands now, of course).

Distance Makes The *Blank* Grow...Fonder?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Getting Eurotrashed

Sorry to leave you hangin but I'm doing a little writing-free trip through Europe with the ol wife for a bit. You can continue imagining me in all sorts of compromising positions while you read the column at www.valleyadvocate.com in the meantime...

Hanky Panky

Pride season is here! A bi-coastal girl, I'm most familiar with the GLBTQ (gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer) Pride festivals in San Francisco and in our quaint little town of Northampton, MA. San Francisco Pride is a massive affair of rainbows, ass-less chaps and (unfortunately) my only excuse to publicly don pasties. What I like about Northampton Pride is that it's basically like any other day in Northampton, with its high concentration of children and puppies from both straight and GLBTQ families roaming downtown. Except on Pride, we get Fried Dough. You can tell that Northampton Pride is a festival put on by the community that lives here. In a good way.

While San Francisco's and Northampton's Prides are very different, the comforting commonality is the Pride-centric meat-marketry – the smoldering-eyed sexual sizing up that occurs between you and everyone you shuffle past in the rainbow-clad crowd, no matter what Pride you're at. Sure, San Francisco's cruising is a little more aggressive and expertly executed but the attempts made by Northampton strangers to eat my (wildly attractive) wife with their eyes alone at this year's Pride remind me that this isn't just a block party – we're at Pride! The thing about San Francisco, however, is that their meat-market communication styles are a bit different, often powered by the wordless art of “bandanna code” or “flagging”, the practice of wearing a bandanna in the left or right back pocket of your pants in order to communicate the sexual act you're looking for and whether or not you prefer to be the Top/active partner or bottom/passive partner in said act.

It's debated if flagging originated in post-Gold Rush San Francisco or 1970's New York City but, either way, the code was invented by gay men to facilitate sexual communication and pick-ups in packed, noisy bars. When I first moved to San Francisco in 2008, bandanna flagging had come back around as the latest trend in GLBTQ subcultures, with bandanas either worn in pockets or around the neck cowboy-style. Recently, the extreme trendiness of flagging has fizzled but that doesn't mean I wasn't catching a lot of hanky-panky signals at this year's Northampton's Pride. The question is – does that Smithie L.U.G. (Lesbian-Until-Graduation) strutting around the Thornes parking lot think that her yellow bandanna is pretty and seasonally appropriate? Or does she really want me to pee on her?

Let's find out. First, get your directions down: Left pocket/knot on the left side of your neck means you're the Top/active/do-er in the sexual act you're flagging for while Right pocket/knot to the right means you're the bottom/passive/get-doner. For example, a grey bandanna indicates that you're into bondage. So, if you've got a grey bandanna in your left pocket, you'll be doing the tying up and if it's in your right pocket, you'll be getting roped.

Study that Pride rainbow of colors. Black equals heavy S&M, dark blue says “anal sex”, light blue is for oral sex while aforementioned yellow signals a taste for watersports (read urination fetish). Make sure to get your hues just right, or you may be surprised when the bandannas come off in the bedroom. While primary color red stands for fisting, a dark maroon means you like blood-play, a light pink stands for strap-on fun and fuschia, like a worn-out butt cheek, screams spanker (left) or spankee (right). White states an interest in safer-sex, fun-loving orange means you're down for whatever, whenever and gold means that you're two people looking for a threesome (left) or an eager third-wheel looking for a couple (right).

Then, there's the litany of creative prints which, at first glance may seem like a lucky thrift-store find but actually speak for specific sexual niches when flagged. A white hanky with multi-color dots means you're either hosting an orgy (left) or looking for an invite (right), preppy argyle means you're a geek or geek-seeker and houndstooth stands for biting.

Yes, bandanna code is a great way to tell a potential sexual partner what you want in the sack without that pesky communication I'm always recommending, but it's also a good way to get peed on when you least expect it. Something to think about for next year.

I Bet Lance Armstrong Makes a Great Cocktail

For past column "Ahoy, Mateys! A Captain's Guide to His Semen", I was searching for an answer to a reader's question about how to increase the volume of his ejaculate. While bulking him up with quite a load...of information, I stumbled across an interesting gem: turns out, Lance Armstrong cares about how your semen tastes. (Your fellating girlfriend or boyfriend probably does, too). Thanks to research linking diet to semen taste presented by AskMen.com and Armstrong's LiveStrong.com, I'm happy to report the perfect recipe for this summer's new cocktail. (And am suddenly inclined to urge ol' Lancey to an entirely different finish line).

What we put in our bodies dictates what comes out. Therefore, the smell and taste of our secretions (from sweat to semen) are controlled by our diet. The main complaint about semen is that it's bitter and salty. So, the first step is cutting out junk foods which pollute your body and therefore your stuff. Then, drink lots of water which will flush out your body's toxins (and hydrate your for a sweaty sheet session).

Really please your partner's penis palette by getting specific. For a light, summery taste, opt for fruits like kiwi, watermelon, celery and pineapple. Cater to a sweet-toothed sweetie by eating acidic fruits like cranberries and blueberries or fragrant extras like cinnamon, peppermint and lemon.

Avoid foul fellatio endings by staying away from red meat, beer, coffee, alcohol and other toxic substances. While vegetarians are rumored to have the tastiest stuff, use caution around the cabbage patch as veggies like broccoli and asparagus are rumored to have icky effects. Meat-eaters should turn to leaner options like chicken or turkey, though fish is contradictorily said to have both buttery and rotten results.

Like to book your blow-jobs in advance? Keep in mind that whatever you ingest is secreted within 12-24 hours, so no Big Mac binges the night before a hot date.

While this semen diet is effective, keep moderation in mind, as a watermelon-only diet won't get you far enough in the sack to even produce semen, let alone worry about how it tastes. Pills claiming to improve the taste of your happy meal are ineffective. Supplements like zinc or selenium, however, are said to increase volume and yumminess. Strong, funky-tasting spunk could indicate a sexually-transmitted infection. And that requires a visit to the doctor, as no amount of acidic fruits are going to help you with that one.

Those of you drinking the hot bartender's cocktails may be curious about what else is in his cumcoction. Though it may be easier (albeit less fun) to just make an omelet, you might get some extra oral sex energy from semen's protein content which, is roughly equivalent to that found in an egg white. Health nuts will be happy with semen's vitamin C, calcium, potassium and vitamin B12 levels while those watching their fellating figure may be relieved by cum's 5-25 calories per serving of swimmers. If your favorite bartender just can't seem to get his mixology right, moving him further back into your mouth before he pours will deposit his signature shot further back on your tongue, and therefore safely away from your taste buds.

Like drinking actual alcoholic cocktails, swallowing or even taking semen into your mouth has its drawbacks, as exposing a porous surface like the inside of your mouth to someone's sexual fluids can carry a risk of STI/STD transmission. It's always a legitimate choice to take the “semen-sober” route, directing his ejaculate to a towel or body surface instead. Using a flavored condom could be like drinking a Virgin Daiquiri – you can experiment with different tastes and he can finish in the warmth of your mouth while reducing your risk.

Cutting back on junk food, fatty meats and alcohol while upping your intake of fresh fruits and lean proteins won't only make your semen tastier, but are sure to make you look and feel tastier, too. Add some regular exercise (like a rigorous roll in the hay, perhaps?) and you'll be just like Lance! Except instead of being the champion of the Tour de France, you'll be dominating the Tour de Pants – and that's a race everyone wins. Cheers!

Tweet

Feminist Porn

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hippity, Humpity, Hop!

No one made putting a cute little bunny on your clitoris look better than my favorite promiscuous cougar Samantha from HBO's series Sex and The City. This fictional femme-fatale and her overacted orgasms made the original Rabbit Pearl and Rabbit Habit vibrators by Vibratex f.a.m.o.u.s. After that, just like real bunnies, rabbit-style vibrators were rapidly reproduced as if they were humping like, well, bunnies.

The Rabbit is notorious because of its unique twice-as-nice design and fluttering, vibrating bunny ears. Internally, the insertable shaft (and its band of rotating pearls) vibrates and twists for G-spot stimulation. Meanwhile, at the bottom of the toy's shaft a little Peter Cottontail sits at a 45-degree angle so that when the shaft is inserted vaginally his continuously twitching ears gently hug and vibrate against the clitoris.

Sounds good! But before you put all of your Cadbury eggs into one basket, consider your other twice-as-nice vibrating Velveteen options (available at goodvibes.com and babeland.com). Too many times while working at Good Vibrations did I see people go straight for the “As Seen on Sex and the City” sticker, pick up a Rabbit Pearl and drop $90 on a toy they weren't properly educated about. Don't let a fictional character like Samantha dictate what kind of rabbit hops down your bunny trail!

The original Rabbit gets many hippity-humping but there are drawbacks Samantha didn't mention. Revolving penetration combined with clitoral vibration gets many-a-back-leg thumping but, it can be an overstimulating, Elmer Fudd dud for others. If it doesn't get your shotgun firing, take advantage of the separate controls which allow you to experience one without the other.

Though attractively shiny, don't pay extra for rotating pearls. The inner two-thirds of the vagina, where the pearls reach, responds more to pressure and friction, not subtly rotating beads. (They're also prone to getting stuck in the toy's gears).

The Rabbit's sparkly elastomer material may look and feel nice but it's also porous, meaning that it holds onto a little bit of everything it touches much like a sponge. Though it's advisable to wash it with soap and water it's also recommended to put a condom over the insertable shaft of the toy (even if you're the only one using it) so as not to reintroduce potentially harmful particles back into your body. This is especially important if you plan on sharing!

If you're not a latex-lover, opt for silicone rabbit-style vibes like the Rosebud which brings you the same twice-as-nice design in a non-porous material that is easily disinfected with soap and water.

Water-bunnies will appreciate wascally waterproof wabbits like the Aqua Rabbit or iRabbit. Aqua gets back to basics with a bendable (instead of a rotating) shaft for more customized G-spot curvature while the iRabbit mixes things up with a variety of shaft-swiveling settings.

If the original Rabbit isn't quite svelte enough to jump down your particular rabbit hole, downsize with the Flirty G or Butterfly Kiss vibrators which both have smaller insertable shafts (and pricetags) for a gentler twice-as-nice approach and perfect beginner accessibility.

Make your favorite bullet vibrator all-ears with the affordable Bunny Sleeve which easily transforms your little buzzer into a clit-fluttering friend without the penetration. For those that enjoy a walk down the bunny-trail-less-traveled, get the smaller, anal-safe Bullet Bunny Diversify your cast of adorable, orgasmic, woodland creatures with Bullet Buddies, discreet one-speed clitoral vibes that are disguised as monkeys, caterpillars and other cuties.

Show your love for real rabbits with the eco-friendly Vanity Vr10 Bunny which is made from easy-to-clean silicone, fully rechargeable and specifically designed to titillate more of your terrain with extra-long ears and a thicker, longer shaft. To get eco-friendly, floppy-eared fun without the precious bunny fluff, opt for JimmyJane's Form 2. A sophisticated version of the popular rabbit ears, this rechargeable, silicone toy features a two-pronged design that hugs the clitoris with a variety of strong vibration patterns, bringing you the best of the bunny without the smiling face that some could admittedly do without.

Sure, Samantha may have had great sex and the city, but us Valley-dwellers have got sex and the country – and we all know that's where the real rabbit action happens. So hop to it!

Dildo Takes a Vacation

When my partner and I decided to travel about South America, we just couldn't imagine four months without a strap-on harness and dildo. Nor, upon finding out that good lube was hard to come by abroad, could we possibly live without Sliquid Sassy Booty Formula. Packing our lives into a backpack was hard enough, but finding a way to make a strap-on discreet for international customs was a whole other challenge. Whether it be for the sake of sexual variety, a little beach-side me-time or a blissed-out honeymoon, sometimes you've got to pack some extra heat. But we can't even get through airline security with a pair of knitting needles these days. If you think airborne scarf-making is a problem, try getting on board with the Rabbit vibrator. Here's how.

Choose wisely. While our realistic-looking Vixen dildo was our favorite phallus-of-the-year, we selected a less-realistic looking candy-colored variety instead, as a purple, squishy baton may create less confusion than the ego-threateningly large realistic toy we were...attached to. As the lube's bright pink label exclaiming “Booty Formula!” seemed a little too loud-and-proud, we re-packaged our slippery stuff in re-fillable travel bottles available at pharmacies while the harness was taken apart to resemble leather jewelry at best.

Like us, if possible, go for deconstructable and discreet toys (see previous column Dirty Little Secrets for incognito travel-sized treats). If you absolutely must bring the floggers, handcuffs, and ball-gags, know that you'll have to check your luggage, as these are, clearly, the perfect pilot-attacking weapons and simply won't fly (no matter how cute and fuzzy the cuffs).

In general, check toys instead of carrying on. If you must carry on, make sure lube is 3oz or less and pack everything in plastic bags. Always take batteries out of toys, as vibrating luggage is just asking for it. Get Martha Stuart with your checked items, honestly labeling everything and its purpose to clear up any confusion if your bag does get searched. Feeling extra cheeky? Add a flirtatious note for security.

Unless you like the pat-downs (meow), getting through security can be tough. Familiarize yourself with TSA regulations, as that innocent corkscrew could bring unwanted attention to toys that may have otherwise gone unnoticed. The best thing you can do, besides packing strategically, is knowing your rights and having confidence in yourself as a rightfully sexual traveler. Know that it's an inappropriate and potentially sue-able act of sexual harassment for an airline staffer to make a big, public deal about what's in your bag, whether it be condoms or the world's biggest butt plug. As long as it's not violating TSA regulations, there's no reason for it to be a problem. I mean, come on, they've invented a “necessary” XXX-ray full-body scanner that conveniently exposes everyone's naughty bits, and they want to make you feel perverted for packing a vibrator? Puh-leez.

If your goodies do get security's attention, answer questions matter-of-factly and honestly. If you're shameless about your sexcessories, security will be the ones to feel embarrassed for not knowing that, “Well, that's my Rabbit. People use it to masturbate, Sir.”.

Know your destination. San Francisco's security and Houston's security are very different places. If flying internationally, leave the plug-in Hitachi Magic Wand at home (it blows up foreign sockets), practice some explanatory second-language words and read up on laws regarding sexuality as no toy is worth legal trouble abroad.

So, what South American adventures did our dildo partake in? Well, not many. While Argentinean customs simply showed us the exit, notoriously invasive Chilean customs posed a different problem. Fellow travelers told stories of being fined hundreds of dollars for accidentally “smuggling” in tangerines. Tangerines. As in the adorable, delightfully sweet citrus fruit. Trying to pass by unnoticed as pierced-and-tattooed, short-haired foreigners was one thing in this religious, conservative destination, but trying to explain to the customs official in my broken Spanish that I preferred my phallus boxed instead of standardly attached was algo diferente. Left behind were the illegal almonds, the peanut butter, and our candy-colored dildo. And somewhere, under an Argentinean hostel bed it may still sit, waiting to be the star of another random travel story.

Spring Flings

Today I went to the Bulb Show at Smith College's greenhouse. Maybe is was the sticky humidity, the intoxicating floral scent, or the suggestive cacti towering next to the quivering folds of pink orchids, but it was the first time in quite sometime that I've felt hot enough to shed a few layers in public. Seems like spring has sprung. And, apparently, so have some other things.
College campuses are the perfect place to earn extra canoodling credit. You're virtually un-catchable in between balcony auditorium seats, football fields give you plenty of tackling room, tennis courts are firm-yet-bouncy (great qualities in anything sexual), dance studios are equipped with cozy dressing rooms and a naughtily narcissistic wall of mirrors, and doing it in a empty classroom is a great way to increase your concentration during morning snooze-fest history classes, as your professor is bound to mistake your hunt for last night's blackboard hand-prints as grade-A focus.

While the public sex classics are classic for good reason, it is always important to keep their pitfalls in mind. Sex-on-the-beach isn't a good drink or a well-thought out idea, though the ladies of Sports Illustrated sure make it look easy. But, come on, think realistically about sticky, wet surfaces plus sand. If you think it's unpleasant getting it in your beach picnic sandwich, just think how quickly it could ruin a good genital sandwich. Instead, elevate your seaside session in a lifeguard chair which, will let you keep the crashing wave soundtrack while guarding the life of some key sensitive places.

Getting it on anywhere you work is a great way to relieve professional animosity and stress, though sweeping everything off of your desk to bend your secretary over the blotter is much more of an organizational disaster than the movies would have you think. Also, in this job market, it might be a better idea to just go home than it is to get fired for getting caught “testing out the back support” of your boss's new desk chair.

When adding a plot twist to your movie theater date, the back corner seats do offer great darkness and privacy and the loud speakers are sure to drown out any auditory slip-ups. Just make sure to choose your movie wisely. You may scare your sweetie trying to make a move to Saw IV and doing anything R-rated during a PG flick is just plain wrong. Stick to amping up sexy thrillers or anything with a Wild Things-esque lesbian pool scene.

While the mile-high club was once an exclusive group, the new generation of titillated travelers will tell you, there's nothing sexy about a cramped, stinky stall, that weird blue goo in the toilet, or being taken down by a flight attendant who mistakes your secret lavatory meeting as a pilot-attacking plan.

Bathrooms in general are a great place to get a little public privacy but they're also a place worth being choosy about. Wash your hands before and after any frisking.

The great outdoors are always worth exploring. Trees make great doggie-style supports, a sun-kissed boulder next to a babbling brook is romantic and a perfectly trim golf course green is clear of any tree branch-related hazards. Just watch for poison ivy, leeches and late-night tee-offs.

Mall dressing rooms are much easier to sneak two (or more) people into than they should be, offer strategic mirror placement, and come in an array of backdrops that'll please anyone, from the bouncy Banana Republic babe to the budget-conscious Old Navy type.

Washer and dryers happily contribute to your thunder down under and, at a buck fifty a load, are much cheaper than actual vibrators. Naughty librarians will get off on the pressure to “Shhh”, you should take a break and stay awake for safety's sake as the highway patrol suggests and pull over for a quick stick-shifting, and a balcony makes a great introduction to public sex as, “Technically, honey, we're still in the comfort of our own home!”.

They say “April showers bring May flowers”. Well, some things have got to get wet in order to bloom, that's for sure. Happy Spring!

PDX Love?

Hi readers, whoever you may be. Time for a little networking.

I'm moving to Portland, Oregon in July. Are you involved with sex/sexuality education, writing, magazines, youth, GLBT organizations? Do you have any connections to someone who may be interesting in my sex writing or in need of a speaker/workshop-giver on sexy topics?

Please, please let me know. I want to jump into the PDX sex+ scene with both feet!

Love at First Fist

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Dear Yana -

I am willing to bet I have a question that probably doesn't come up very often, if ever. My boyfriend and I recently starting experimenting with "fisting". It is such a turn-on to me that I have some of the most powerful orgasms ever while he has his hand inside of me. I've noticed that, when I do have an orgasm, his hand, for lack of a better explanation, seems to get sucked into me farther than before the orgasm. If I can get off again, his hand goes in a little bit farther. What happens to my body during this time that causes his hand to disappear up to his wrist? We have been doing this more lately, as I am trying to figure out what is going on in there. Any explanation you can come up with would be appreciated.

Thank you,
A fan of your column from Westfield, MA


Wow Westfield Wonder Woman -

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have really been toiling away with your fisting research! You say you've “been doing this more lately” because you're “trying to figure out what is going on in there”? Sounds tough, W.W.W. Multiple “most powerful orgasms ever” must be really difficult. I hate to picture you and your boyfriend fisting away, desperately searching for an answer to your truly unfortunate orgasmic hotness, so I got on researching this question right away.

I'm sure that when you Googled “fisting” (if you even had time to do so!), your search results were much like mine - a few basic how-to articles, a lot of crappy porn and many charming Jersey Shore references, but no word on why your vagina refuses to give up your boyfriend's hand. Too technologically dependent to go to a library, I consulted Good Vibration's Sex Educator Dr. Charlie Glickman to help me solve this mystery of the vaginal vacuum.

If you're really a fan of the column as you say you are, W.W.W., you'd remember some bad analogies made in the column “Easy A” relating the A-spot (a pleasurable point located in the back of the vagina) to a mansion's driveway and the post-orgasmic opening of the vaginal canal to finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow (I know, not my best work). Well apparently I didn't just make this up, because according to Dr. Glickman, this does happen, and for biological reasons. During orgasm, the muscles in the vagina ripple and contract, pulling a penis or fingers further into the vagina, resulting in deeper penetration and, in a biological sense, bringing the tip of the penis (and therefore its semen) closer to the cervix for maximum fertilization positioning.

In the case of fingers, dildos and penises, this post-orgasmic, deep penetration is easier achieved because there is enough empty space around these manageable objects for air to flow in and out, which creates adequate room for your penetrative object du jour to move deeper. However, because a fist is so much larger than a penis or fingers, air flow is hindered in such a way that can result in a vacuum effect, which is why your vagina literally sucks in your boyfriend's hand.

I assure you, this is nothing damaging or hazardous, but it can make removing your boyfriend's fist after these multiple “most powerful orgasms ever” you speak of more difficult. When you're ready to remove his fist or if you want to reduce the squeeze, simply slip an outside finger between his wrist and your vaginal opening to break this vacuum seal and promote more airflow, which will decrease suction and make pulling out easier.

To prevent future fistfests in the name of research, I recommend you read fisting manual A Hand in the Bush by Deborah Addington. As I'm sure your question has sparked fist fever in other readers, next week I'll tackle fisting for beginners. But don't worry about reading that one, W.W.W., I'd hate to bore you with beginner tips and besides, I'm sure you'll be up to your wrists (or maybe even your elbows) in testing my findings.

Lickin' Gooood!

If 700 words isn't enough for you to learn the complicated ways of lady-head in this week's Cunnilinguistics 101, you should definitely read Ian Kerner's guide, She Comes First. Though the book's cover is all about the frankly unappetizing image of a halved papaya (do I want to imagine my vagina cut in half and filled with black, mushy seeds? no.) and is all about men, men, men, men going down on women, we all know that we all have tongues and that they can lick anything they salivate about, regardless of what you're packing south of the border.


It's a good book. It helpfully paints a detailed map of your new favorite oral canvas and will aide in your quest to becoming a great cunnilinguist! What with my witty advice and this book, you're sure to be lickin' good!

Hot Wax Special

If you didn't learn your lesson from this week's column's tale of what can go wrong when trying to impress a new partner with a "sexy" surprise such as unexpectedly pouring hot wax on them...well...here's how to do it right:

Beeswax candles, while they adequately set the mood, also burn at the highest possible temperature, making their wax pretty fucking painful when dripped on your skin. If this is what you're going for, make sure you're very familiar with hot wax play, aftercare and how and where to drip these little lava morsels.

For those looking to simply "spice it up" rather than "scorch it up", opt for the more subtle, warm wax sensations of JimmyJane's Afterglow soy wax candles. Melting at a temperature not much higher than your body's, these aphrodisiac-scented candles melt into a pleasantly warm massage oil, which set the mood much better than some scalding mess from Yankee Candle.

Perfect timing? JimmyJane's Little Afterglow Sampler Pack, with promises of a different sexy-time massage or "favor" for each flavor, is exactly what I want this Valentine's Day.

A Pregnant Porn Star?!?!? *Gasp*

This week's column, What to Sexpect When You're Expecting, put out some basics of preggie pleasure and sex. I kind of randomly mentioned a Tweet by indie porn star Madison Young, in which she mentions the changes in her sexual response now that she's pregnant. Madison Young is a successful, young, alternative porn entrepreneur who I have a lot of respect for, pregnant or not. However, I think it's simultaneously fascinating, hot and empowering that she continues (so proudly and publicly) with her work even with a little bun in the oven.

Whether you do or do not share the same sentiment, I encourage you to look more into Young's experience with preggo-porno...

Dr. Charlie Glickman of my old stomping grounds, Good Vibrations, did an excellent interview with her that you can find here. Make sure, especially, to check out her new film, Pregnant with Desire, which visually inspires with pregnant positioning, techniques, personal experiences and even how to safely kinkify your fertile 9 months.

If you're like me, and just can't get enough of Young, you can join the awesome site nofauxx.com to see beautiful images of the sexy mama-to-be seven months pregnant or check out her site madisonbound.com for exxxpectant videos.

Congrats, Madison! You make the road from "positive" to "push!" look g.o.o.d.!

Taormino's Expert Guide to Female Os

This week I was inspired to watch porn for breakfast after Tristan Taormino so nicely sent me a copy of her recently released Expert Guide to Female Orgasms. You can read all about it in the V-Spot column, Top of the Moaning to Ya!. In the column, I focused mostly on the first scene in the movie starring Katie St. Ives and Sean Michaels. However, that by no means indicates that the rest of the performers and scenes weren't just as worthy of my rapt attention. Here are some pros and cons of the rest of this flick-worthy flick:

Evanni Solei & Evan Stone

Pros: She is almost as adorable and sweet as the type of sex she enjoys - slow, slow, slow, with lots of kissing and soft orgasms. The resulting intimacy that comes out of her preferences creates a kind of porn scene rarely found in the mainstream with a focus on facial expressions instead of crotch shots, passionate kissing and breathy talking instead of screaming lines for the sake of the camera.

Cons: A lot of people love Evan Stone. I'm sorry, Mr. Stone, but for some reason you freak me out a little. He's the perfect, appreciative gentleman with Evanni, but there's something about his jokes and the hair that, for me, mentally place him on a yacht somewhere with gold chains nestled in his chest hair.

Madison Young & Jiz Lee

Pros: I'm immediately biased towards these two as they represent my favorite former-city-of-residence, San Francisco and I'm familiar with both them and the work they do from my time as a Good Vibrations employee. Their scene celebrates the joy of toys (especially the Hitachi Magic Wand), safer-sex (through glove and lube usage), and throws in some unmainstream aspects like some puppy/kitty role-playing and the orgasmic effects of pain. In a porn about the wide variety female orgasms, these two do a great job representing those who enjoy strong sensations and orgasms that can happen through parts of the body other than the clit.

Cons: The only con, again, was personal for me. I enjoyed Madison Young's screaming orgasms (I swear she screamed at the top of her lungs for over a minute). The only problem is, is that my neighbors probably did, too.

Dylan & Mr. Marcus

Pros: It's obvious that Dylan is really into Mr. Marcus. She says so herself and then, in a cutely re-told story in their interviews, squirts all over his nice jeans to prove it. They have a great way of communicating and Dylan represents strong female adult performers, speaking comfortably and candidly about orgasm and always asking directly for what she does (and doesn't) want.

Cons: While Dylan is a smitten kitten, Mr. Marcus (though totes adorbs with that little smile) doesn't express himself in the same way, making their pairing seem off-kilter, especially in comparison to the amount of chemistry found between the film's other couples.

Adrianna & James

Pros: My first pro is James Deen himself. I LOVE him. My fave male performer to date. I especially love the "shush" noises he makes when he's fucking. I dunno why. These two obviously have the hots for each other in a we-like-to-hang-out-as-much-as-we-like-to-fuck-each-other kind of a way. It's familiar, relateable and hot.

Cons: For some, there might be too much anal and eye-rolling during her orgasms. Certainly not for me, Adrianna - get it, girl. Get. It. But, maybe, for some.

An Even Easier A

This week's column is about the A-spot, the little sensitive pocket that packs a big sensation in the Anterior Fornix in the back of the vagina, located in the curve past the cervix that many refer to as the cul-de-sac.

Now, I'd like you to know right away that I don't like this diagram/picture. I'm not sure why the inner female workings are colored as if they were a dark, somewhat infected labyrinth, I'm really not sure what the red areas are supposed to be, and her pubic hair, while I support the au natural choice, is, quite frankly, distracting. However, my horror at the series of purely disgusting and disturbing images that come up when one Googles "vaginal anterior fornix" trumped my need to find a better diagram. And so, this is the visual guide I can provide for you to supplement my musings about the A-spot in this week's V-spot. Sorry.

It does accurately depict, however, the shaped and tucked in nature of this mostly unknown spot. So, I hope it helps at least a little.

In talking about the A-spot (or the G-spot and P-spot for that matter), I mention toys with "curved tips" and "bulbous heads". For the A-spot in particular, I'd go with one made from a firm material, like glass, metal or, more commonly, silicone. There are literally hundreds of toys on the market that fit this description and many will successfully stimulate any of your many spots with the right finesse. But here are a few recommended examples:

The Dreamy G Mini (left) is a great option for those wanting a direct spot-hit without the a fuller penetrated feeling, as it's petite, discreet and packs a little extra zinger at the tip, where its variable vibration modes are concentrated most.

Lelo's GiGi Rechargeable Vibe (right) has an accessible, slender neck with the perfect little nook to make it around the cul-de-sac. Plug it in to recharge and experiment with its multiple vibration patterns and setting, including A-spot-throbbing pulsations.

For the many who find vibration distracting rather than orgasmic, stick to a curved dildo for easy maneuvering and strap-on capabilities like the Siren Silicone or the pretty-in-the-pink Venus Glass G-Spot Dildo (left).

There you have it, a weird diagram and some toy suggestions - the Cliff Notes to Easy A. How much easier than finding the G-spot could finding the A-spot really be? Hey, at least you can say you hit some kind of spot. And that's the beginning of something great.

valley vote!

The Valley Advocate is doing their annual Best-of-the-Valley Vote until February 9th and I want in! Vote for me (The V-Spot) for "best blog" (though I'm not even sure the column counts as a 'blog') under the voting category "Media Mavens". Who doesn't love a good old-fashioned popularity contest?

seedy sperm

In writing this week's column (Ahoy, Matey!: A Captain's Guide to His Semen) I learned quite a bit more about semen than I thought I ever would. And while I'm almost positive that the reader's question about increasing his amount of semen was a vanity thing, and not a baby-making thing, I did end up breaking a bit of fertile ground.

The Mayo Clinic tells me that good, fertile, sperm is based on three things:
1. quantity (of sperm, not the whole semen package)
2. quality (as in 4% must have quality shape and structure. The Mayo Clinic paints a picture of oval heads and long tails perfect for forward-propellance)
3. and motility (40% of those babies gotta move!)

While the quantity is a whole different issue, briefly touched on in the column, the quality and motility may be improved simply by changing your personal lubricant, as leading lubricants (even saliva and water) have been shown to damage sperm and prevent them from swimming normally. Not helpful for baby-making.

This is where Pre-Seed comes in, a lube who's name alone will show you that its kind of sex isn't slippery, steaming and pleasurable, but more down-to-business and fertilizing. Their clinical studies have shown that you shouldn't use "regular" lube when trying to conceive, as it messes with your vaginal pH balance, has the wrong ion/salt concentration and sometimes contains glycerin, all of which are toxic to your little swimmers.

Pre-Seed, on the other hand, is specifically designed to mimic your natural cervical fluid's temperature, consistency and pH levels during ovulation which, is known to be ideal for our fertile friends, creating, as the Pre-Seeders say, "an optimal sperm environment".

While Pre-Seed has gotten a lot of seemingly reputable press, boasts that it's "less irritating" than mainstream lube and is proud to be the "only lubricant formulated by a woman Sperm Physiologist" named Dr. E, I, for one, might trust the stork more than I trust a doctor with a presumably made up title and a cutely abbrevd. name.

More importantly, upon viewing some results of their clinical studies, it looks as though Pre-Seed was only tested against a few lubes I've never even heard of and the extremely mainstream K.Y. and Astroglide, notorious for their high glycerin content, vaginal irritation and who knows what else. These results don't include and therefore say nothing about the awesome choices available in non-mainstream lubes like the glycerin-free Organic Sliquid varieties and before restricting your selection to Dr. E's Pre-Seed or K.Y., you should educate yourself (start with previous V-spot column Life Beyond K.Y.) and talk to your actual doctor who, hopefully, has a full last name.

why the blog?

So, I write a sex column every week for The Valley Advocate called The V-Spot. It's a sex-positive column, written about topics of my own choosing or based off readers' questions, tackling everything from "why men should take it up the booty" to the ever-popular "how to find your G-spot". I try to be funny and light-hearted, while also being informative and direct, as these are aspects I believe are seriously lacking in mainstream sex/sexuality education. For more on the whys and hows of the column and why I write it, check out my introductory column "Sassy Sex Writer Seeks Eager Readers".

The issue is, I'm a small girl with a lot of big words and a medium-sized word count. When researching and writing my column, I come across a lot of interesting little what-nots that just can't make the editorial slash-and-burn. Think of it this way - the column is our primary relationship - it's reliable, fulfilling and tackles what's most important. The blog, on the other hand, is a tartly little one-night stand. A place of short-lived, extraneous yet tasty morsels like pictures, diagrams, links, and other titillating trivia related to the column's weekly topic.

And like the best one-night stands, I'll try to keep it short and bittersweet. I'll try to keep it casual. But most importantly, I'll try to hit the spot.